A group of stupid people are attacked by a redneck in a hockey mask.
This movie absolute garbage. Not only is it terrible, it’s offensive to boot. Almost all of the characters in this movie are unlikable, misogynistic, drunk A-holes who spend the duration of the movie either trying to get laid or objectifying women. Not only are the characters unlikeable, and the story as thin as an anorexic tape worm, but the way in which this film is deliver is done so without a shred of cinematic integrity.
I’m sure whomever wrote this film was a huge fan of the original “Friday the 13th” film; I am not. In my opinion, 70s and 80s slasher flicks are best when they do one thing: provide some ridiculously over the top kills in the name of good fun. The “Halloween”, “Nightmare on Elm Street”, and “Child’s Play” series all have entries in their franchises that provide plenty of laughs and plenty of fun without objectifying women to the point where I feel like I have to take a shower afterwards, but even the original “Friday the 13th” rubbed me a bit wrong (I’ve also seen “Freddy Vs Jason” and “Jason Goes to Hell” and I actually enjoyed my time more with those entries far more than both the original and the remake of “Friday the 13th”). There’s something so inherently sophomoric about this series; it feels like horror made for frat boys, and I am about as opposite as a frat boy as can be. It’s a film made for people who like to make jokes about masturbating to K-Mart catalogues and lonely rednecks that treat mannequins like sex dolls. This franchise just does not appeal to me at all.
This remake in particular is incredibly stupid. For one thing, the plot structure is all over the place, though, to my discredit I watched the extended cut, so I don’t know if the theatrical cut is better. I guess I’ll never know, this is the only time I’ll ever watch this film. I know the original “Friday the 13th” ends with Jason’s mom as the killer and then “Friday the 13th Part II” actually introduces Jason (haven’t seen it yet, just what people tell me- I say yet, because my roommates are insistent that we watch it soon- *deep sigh*). This film tries to work both films one and two into a twenty minute prelude which feels sort of like the film is stuttering into an opening. We have a brief scene were we see Jason’s mom, then we have a ten to fifteen minute prelude that introduces five or so characters and then kills them off. Then the title card happens at about the twenty minute mark (who do you think you are, Marcus Nispel; Tarantino? Sergio Leone?). After that, we introduce our main characters, one of whom is played by Supernatural/Gilmore Girls alum Jared Padelecki (go back to Luke’s, bud, there’s nothing good for you here!). Jared’s character- who’s name I’m not even going to bother looking up- is looking for his sister who went missing a while back. He runs into a bunch of other kids who are going up to Crystal Lake for a retreat and asks if they’ve seen his sister, and they say no. He continues his search and we break off to watch the other kids have sex until Jason starts killing them.
There are some sex scenes in this movie that are incredibly graphic and last for probably five to ten minutes. It’s ridiculous- it’s pretty much like watching softcore porn. I felt so uncomfortable while I was watching it, and to make things worse, the guy during this scene kept saying things like: “You’ve got such great t*ts! Oh, my God, you’re so hot!” Ugh. Please, just stop. There’s not even a kill that happens during the longest sex scene, it’s just an excuse for Nispel to shoot some boobs.
Towards the end of the film (and I’m ruining this without a spoiler tag, because no one should see this film). Jared Padelecki finds his sister chained up in Jason’s basement, even though up until this point Jason has never shown any tendency to kidnap anyone, just kill them. Do the writers expect us, the viewers, to believe that Jason would spare this one girl’s life just so that we could have a somewhat happy ending at the end? Does that fit Jason’s character? What is the point of that plot point at all? I don’t know and I don’t care anymore either; this movie was terrible.
This is easily one of the worst horror films I’ve seen. I’m a horror fan, but this film is the epitome of everything that I hate about horror: scenes with no tension (and also scenes that aren’t stupid enough to laugh at), stupid and unlikeable characters, an abundant objectification of women… who is this movie for? I don’t know, but it’s certainly not for me. Give this movie a miss, or if you’ve already seen it, try to wipe that memory from your brain to make room for something else. I want my hour and forty-five minutes back.
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